ABUSE—What is it? – Finding The Healer

Are you blind to abuse? Learning to recognize what it is can help you stop abusive patterns, heal from past abuse, refrain from abusing others, and keep you from passing abusive patterns on to the next generation.

There are abusers that are obvious (overt) and there are abusers that are hidden (covert). The more hidden, the more dangerous the abuse because it’s sometimes hard to tell you are being abused.

Misperception of Abuse:

Abuse only happens to women and children
Abuse is physical violence
Men don’t get abused
Women can’t be abusers
Victims of abuse are stupid
Abuse doesn’t happen here (This country, this culture, this family, this religion, this school, this neighborhood, etc.)
Abusers are always overtly aggressive and violent ~Meredith Miller, The Inner Integration podcast
Abuse only happens to the poor and/or uneducated.

Physical Abuse (Overt):

Inflicting pain, intrusion on the body, discomfort or injury in any way: pinch, slap, scratch, pull hair, punch, bite, kneeing, cut, body slam punch, kick, push or drag downstairs, hit, strike, spank, hit with belts, strapping, whipping, paddles or other objects, shake, push, pull, drag, kick, electric shock, burn, drown, suffocation, exploitation, rape, choke, strangle, murder
Unreasonable restraint: locked in a closet, cage, tied, hand-cuffs and such
Knock out teeth, breaking bones, internal injuries
Intentional torture of all varieties
Throwing/shooting projectile at a person
Tied or forced in stress positions, any kind of restraining without consent or due cause
Exposure to dangerous animals, toxic substances or infectious diseases
Misuse of medicine/chemicals
Locked out of own home
Left in dangerous places
Ripping clothes off
Cause pain but leave no marks
Having to go get the willow that you will be whipped with or other objects that will inflict pain
Abuse in the womb: Abortion, mother using alcohol or smoking while pregnant, physical or mental abuse of the mother while pregnant, punching a pregnant mother in the stomach
Use of weapons to hurt the body
Being forced to ride in a car when abuser is driving recklessly, drunk, high, which may be endangering the lives of the passangers
Blame the victim for having been sexually abused
Call you a whore or slut
withhold sexual affection
Forced to strip in front of others
Offender openly shows sexual interest in other women/men
…and more

“When our body is violated, the core of the self is injured” ~Unknown

Physical abuse (Covert):

Sleep deprivation
Malnutrition
Poor nutrition, lack of food, starvation
Lack of hygiene or medical care
Neglect of physical needs: lack of shelter, adequate sleeping arrangements
Inadequate supervision
Failure to provide safety
Failure to teach life and survival skills
Refuse to help when sick or injured
Leaving a child alone who is too young
Failure to protect a child from other’s abuse
Tickling against ones will
Neglect
Overworking a person
Failure to rest after work
Allowing a minor to use drugs and alcohol
Humiliation – making a person feel foolish about their body—make fun of private parts
Threaten to inflict bodily harm
Dominating stances
Held down; kept from leaving or gitting up

Sexual Abuse: Some people think if there is no sexual intercourse, it is not sexual abuse. False. There are many ways to be sexually abused.

Sexual abuse (Overt):

Any kind of unwanted sexual touch that is against the victims will
Penetration of a child’s vagina or anus by a non-medical person that doesn’t have a medical purpose
Child prostitution or human trafficking
Forcing an unwilling adult or child to watch, film, or pose for pornography
Sex with a minor
Forcing pain, torture or sadistic acts during sex
Forced sexual activity with animals or strangers
Forcing children or adults to have sex with each other
Forced sex during or after a beating
Forced abortion
Female circumcision (some believe circumcising baby boys is abusive, as well)
Persecution of same-sex orientation
Voyeurism or sexual exhibitionism
Incest
Rape
Molestation
Marital rape—sexual abuse within the marriage
Demanding participation in sexual acts with which the partner is uncomfortable
Forced or coerced sexual activity in the presence of others, including children
Forced or coerced prostitution or non-consensual sex with people other than and/or in addition to one’s partner
Forced or coerced sex with animals
Forced sex when you are sick or it is a danger to your health
Forced sex after a battering
Forced sex with the purpose of hurting you with objects or ewapons
Committed sadistic sexual acts
Forced to have sex with animals
…and more

Sexual abuse (Covert):

Sexualized looks, hugs, comments, gestures, kisses, innuendos, comments, jokes with a minor or unwilling participant
Make pornography easily accessible to minors
Exhibitionism and voyeurism inside or outside the home
Parents use their children to get sexually stimulated
Brushing by and/or touching sexual parts but act innocent
Sexual punishments
The victim is blamed for being sexually abused
Demeaning remarks about a person’s body or sexual parts
Tell spouse about affairs to humiliate
Openly showing sexual interest with other’s when with the spouse
Treat or talk about others as sex objects
Knowing incests or sexual abuse is happening and doing nothing about it
Calling others degrading sexual names like whore or cunt
Failing to teach children age-appropriate, adequate sexual information
Parents (or step-parents) talking about sex in front of the age-inappropriate children, making remarks about sexual parts of their bodies, each other’s bodies or children’s bodies
No sexual boundaries: adults expose nudity to age-inappropriate children, let children walk in on sex acts, no locks on private areas such as bathrooms or dressing rooms
Criticizing one’s sexuality
Objectifying or treating the victim like a sexual object
Withholding sex in a committed relationship (unless there is sexual abuse happening)
Extramarital affairs
Harrassed about extramarital affairs your partner only imagined you were having
Demanding sex or forcing sex on a partner when s/he is not willing
Coerced penile penetration of any kind (oral, vaginal, or anal)
Coerced sexual acts of a physical nature such as inflicting pain or bodily harm during sex
Inflicting drugs or alcohol on an unwilling partner to obtain sex against the partner’s will
Physical attacks against the sexual parts of the partner’s body
Interference with birth control
Risky sex such as refusal to use a condom when a sexually transmitted disease is known or suspected
Treating a person as a sex object
Insisting you dress more sexual if and you are uncomfortable with it
Demeaning remarks about your body and/or body parts
…and more

Intellectual/Mental/Psychological Abuse: (Overt):

Punishing a person for their ideas
Failing the student if his/her ideologies do not match the teacher.
Criticizing thoughts and actions with the intention of staying one-up or in control.
Condescending: Point out the victim’s inability to understand simple things or too stupid to understand you
Trivializing, mocking or criticizing one’s thinking
Undermining or eroding confidence: Ex: “You’ll never do anything right.”
Teaching children not to think for themselves: Ex: “Don’t think for yourself, let me (others) do your thinking for you.”
Neglect of education
Inducing dissociative states without permission (cults)
Failure to provide psychological care when needed
Cause a person to doubt their own thinking processes
Alter a child’s reality “Dad’s not drunk, he’s just tired.”
Discounting another’s perceptions and reality.
No new information is allowed into the family or society
Victim(s) are forbidden to talk about their abuse
Parents/major caretakers demanding blind obedience
Countering: Trying to get a person to doubt their own thinking
Being told never to tell of the abuse
Intense coercion
Labeling: “You’re mentally ill.” “ You’re not very smart.”
Preventing others from becoming educated
Giving too much information – Ex: Telling another your whole life story on the first meeting.
Mind reading: “You just want to show me up,” “You did that because you don’t like me.”
…and more.

Intellectual/Mental/Psychological Abuse (Covert):

Overprotecting, smothering
Forgetting important commitments, agreements, appointments or incidents saying, “I don’t have to be accountable to you.”
Blaming
Devaluation—degrade a person’s worth
Excusing or denying inappropriate behavior: “Just don’t think about the assault. Forget it ever happened.”
Fostering low self-esteem “You shouldn’t think well of yourself.”
Failure to nurture, meet emotional needs, care for or love
Failure to provide structure or set limits
Forgetfulness: “I was going to do that for you but I forgot.”
Refuse to listen to or believe others: “I don’t want to hear about your pain.”
Discount others pain or problem: “It’s not that big of a deal, get over it.”
Mental domination over the victim
Crazy making
Expecting the child to provide emotional nurturing to the parents
Not being emotionally present for spouse or children due to mental illness, depression, compulsivity, overworking, etc.
Failing to meet one’s obligations in a partnership
Leaving another lacking
Withholding love and affection, finances, protection, praise, etc.
Appearing to help/rescue a person when down, then taking advantage of their vulnerability
Labeling: “You are the bad one.” “You are mentally ill.”
Show a person you are mad or irritated at them but not let them know why
Covert digs and snide remarks
Comparing—”Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
Procrastinating supportive behaviors
Ambiguity—words don’t match actions
Lack of empathy
Lying with a little bit of truth included
Violating secrets & personal information given in confidence
Accusing & punishing a person of having done something very wrong but not telling them what it was
Laughing at a person when nothing is funny; done to humiliate
Threatening facial expressions, body stance, sudden or frightening movements
Invading personal space
Trying to make a person think they’re crazy
Treats you well when others are observing, treats you terrible in private, then denies it.
…and more.

Emotional Abuse:

Ignore or belittle feelings
Criticism: nothing is ever good enough, no matter what you do or how hard you try
Refusal to socialize with another
Destroy, sell or give away things that are important to another without their permission
Ridicule other’s beliefs, sex, religion, race, heritage, ideas, class, etc.
Failure to nurture, care for or love
Reject, ignore, undependable, empty promises
Constant disapproval
Terrorizing
Isolating
Corrupting
Lying
Double messages: “I love you but…” “Do as I say, not as I do”
Blame
Manipulation
Condescending, discounting
Undermining—Eroding confidence and lessen determination of another
Sarcasm, mocking, cut-down humor
Judge, accuse
Trivialize: Pretending another’s thought and actions are less than they are in order to stay in control
Name-calling, crazy-making, threatening, ordering, demanding and dominance
Deny abuse ever happened
Scorn, mimicking, laughing at or smirking to humiliate, insulting
Have to get in the last word
Better than—moral high road
Swearing, cursing, obscenities
Scornful tone of voice or body stance
Inconsistency
Double binds, all choices given are negative ones
Abuser denies or minimizes abuse
Deny loved one affection or compliments but give them freely to others—neglect emotional needs
Deny or discount a person their reality
Project own self-hate onto others
A person who hates women; sees women as inferior to men
Stab other in back, gossip, defamation of character
Isolation
No feelings are permitted
Berating, demeaning
Consistently forgetting important commitments, agreements, appointments, promises, etc.
Insisting that feelings should not be expressed openly
Abuse pets, destroy property, or threaten to abuse loved ones to hurt others
Abuse or harsh discipline is done in a public way
Abusive Anger: Yelling, labeling, ridiculing, humiliating, comparing, contempt, intimidation
Offender blames the victim for causing the abuse
Threatening, harassment, scorn, disgraced, defamed, deflate, jeered, laughed at, mocked, ridiculed, ignored, belittled, overlooked, not taken seriously, roasted
Extreme reaction to the smallest of offenses
Dehumanize the victim “You’re a mouse!”
Isolate victim from friends, family and any other kind of support system
Inability to have empathy for others experiences & feelings
Threatening homicide, suicide, or injury
Threatened with the use of weapons
Humiliation in public
Offender ridicules or insults women/children/men as a group, calling them names, shouting; nothing is ever good enough no matter what you do or how hard you try.
Offender insults your friends and family, driving them away
Goes out with you but then totally ignores you the whole time
Takes car keys or money away’
Destroys, sells or gives away things that are of value to you
Threatens to hurt you, others, pets
Threatens to kidnap children if you ever leave
Abuses pets to hurt you
and more…

Physical abuse leaves wounds to verify the offender is at fault. Emotional abuse is just as damaging but does not leave obvious scars to prove it was inflicted by another. Often victims of emotional abuse are blamed for, or blame themselves for how they have been treated so badly….and they harbor illusions that if they were a better person, the abuse would stop. Abusers often get away with blaming the abused by saying things like. “It’s your fault I had to hurt you.”

Mind Games – Exploiting the weaker person:

Manipulate with lies, contradictions, emotions, love or sex
Threaten to kill self if others won’t comply with demands
Emotional blackmail—using guilt or shame to get others to do what they don’t want to do
Blame the victim: “You asked for it, you deserved it, you liked it.”
Making a person doubt their judgment, or wonder if they are crazy
Do as I say, not as I do
Abuser makes the victim look like the offender
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t—no matter what, the victim is wrong and blamed
Exploit another person’s insecurities, plays on your weaknesses; takes advantage of your trust ~D.A. Wolf
Using their charms or behaviors to control or manipulate others for their benefit ~Joe Navarro
Close and loving with you in private, distant and cold in public
Flirting or staring at other guys/gals in front of spouse
Act uninterested
Pull close then push away
Blocking and diverting: Switching or changing the conversation at will in order to stay in control.
Denial that abuse is happening in an attempt to manipulate another person’s reality
Someone asks for a suggestion but rejects every…option given them. the purpose is to feel superior to the one trying to give the advice.” ~Eric Berne
Dominance
Deception—promise to get counseling to appease the partner but not be sincere about doing self-examination and making changes
Wear down the victim until the victim relents to participating in offensive things
Bate and Switch: Present yourself one way before the marriage, then switch after
Trying to convince the victim that the abuse they are receiving is in their best interest when it is only serving the needs of the abuser. (Example: The mother of Repunzel in Tangled, the movie)
The abuser creates impossible situations where the abuser becomes indispensable to the victim
Remind victim of good deeds done at the beginning of relationships in order to make them stay
An addict threatening to relapse if a victim doesn’t comply
Promises to change that are never met
Threatening to harm self or others if the victim does not comply
Triangulation: Bringing in a third person to fight the battles for you
Manipulating by lies
Future promising: Making promises that something will happen in the future that never happens.
Pretends to be a friend to your face but says vicious gossip behind your back
A person is verbally supportive, but fails to carry through— then is dismissive when confronted about their non-action
Smooth talker—say what people want to hear but fail to carry through
Look great on the surface but are very different inside
Indirect and covert—abusing people when they don’t realize it
Call the victim crazy, weak, stupid, accuse the victim of making it up
Tells you about his/her affairs’accuses you about having affairs
Manipulating you with emotions i.e. threatening to kill himself/herself if you leave and other forms of emotional blackmail.
denies his/her behaviors are abusive. Minimizes his/her abusiveness – calling you crazy or weak, stupid = accusing you of making it up, not being able to handle it and so forth
Faking an apology—when the offender is clearly at fault, says something to smooth things over but never actually apologizes and may actually place blame the victim for what happened.
Gaslighting – (Wikipedia’s definition) Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

The term originated from the 1938 play Gas Light and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations (both titled Gaslight). The term has been used in clinical psychological literature,^[1]^:31–46^[2] as well as in political commentary, philosophy,^[3] and popular culture.

Verbal Abuse (Overt):

Excessive guilting, chastising, shaming, name-calling, put-downs,
Comparisons
Devaluing
Ordering and demanding
Teasing, making fun of, belittling, laughing at
Nagging, haranguing, harassing
Screaming, verbal assaults, insults, profanity
Shaming or inappropriate sounds
Blocking, diverting, switching or changing the conversation to stay in control
Shamed or punished for expressing feelings, needs, wants, requests, the truth
Demeaning
Humiliating
Insulting
Argumentative
Explosive
Critical
Judgemental
Outrageous remarks
Name-calling
Shaming words
Sarcasm
Mocking
Intimidation & threats
Blame the victim
Discount feelings
Verbal harassment
Words used to hurt & control the victim
Threatening words or tone of voice
Swearing or cursing
Menacing tones
Threateng to hit or maim, destroy, restrict, restrain, kill, shoot, cut, beat up, take away your children, hurt your family, etc.
…and more

Verbal Abuse (Covert):

Silent treatment – ignore
Not being believed when telling the truth
Hurting ones self-esteem while appearing to be helpful (Ex: “Even if you’re not very smart, you are still a good person.”)
Cut-down humor
Lying
Minimizing what others do: “It wasn’t that good.”
Seemingly kind words that hurt “You’re a sweet little shit.”
Put-downs
Judgmental comments
Exposing embarrassing things about others
Impatient and irritable
Refusing to work out problems verbally
Discounting other’s words or feelings. “You never did that.” “You’re making that up.” “It wasn’t that bad.”
Put-down humor
Forced silence
Abuser denies saying hurtful things or blames the victim for taking hurtful words as damaging
Abuser strikes out at the victim when light is shed on the truth about the abuser
An argument ensues no matter how carefully or appropriately the victim tries to address the problem
Verbal abuse only happens in private and is denied publicly
Whispering or muttering threatening things

Attack or Discount a Person’s Existence:

You should never have been born
We would be better off without you
We wanted a boy but we got a girl
No one would want you
I should have aborted you
The world would be a better place without you in it
No discipline—no one cares if you come or go, how late you stay out, what friends you hang with
No rules, no consequences for bad behavior
No one notices if you’re present
…and more

Unintended Abuse:

Ignorance or lack of discipline on the part of well-meaning parents
Traditions that are abusive but accepted by the culture
Highly stressed single parents who have little time for the children
Poverty
Misperception of abuse where there is none intended. Example: The child thinks dad doesn’t love him because he doesn’t tell him. Dad does love the child but expresses his love in other ways.
Chaos in the home
Giving unsolicited advice
Insist on helping when help is not wanted or requested
Ineffective parenting tools used by well-intended parents
Parents not capable of handling their number of children
Texting or being otherwise distracted during an intimate moment
One or more of the parents is chronically mentally or physically ill
Affects of divorce on children
Untended gaslighting – Example: A child is hurt very bad and crying loudly. The parent says to the child, “It doesn’t hurt that bad!” “It’s just a little thing. You shouldn’t be making such a big deal out of it.” Another example: A person is struggle with something and the gaslighting person says, “This is the easy part! Everybody can do this! What’s wrong with you that you can’t get it?”
And more….

Financial Abuse:

Failure to provide financially
Withholding/hoarding money or finances
Giving money but with strings attached
Overindulging a child with money so they never learn to earn or manage it
Stealing money or valuables
Keep others from working
One partner makes all the money decisions for the whole family
Refuse to work or share money
Preventing the victim from obtaining employment or education
Prohibiting access to family income
Lie about financial assets and debts
Spend child support on self, not on the children
Making spouse beg for money
Forces partner to hand over his/her paycheck, totally controlling all the income—then returns meager allowance to spouse for household expenses
Refusing to contribute to shared or household bills
Neglect to pay child support
Children have to go to work to support the parents
One partner forges the other partner’s name
Using financial power to force the victim into submission
A nonworking spouse drains spouses resources by overspending
An employee is forced to do unethical, immoral, self-degrading things or free overtime, to keep their job
Your spouse kept you from working, controlled your money, made all the decisions, demanded you seek permission to do or have anything’
The spouse responsible for earning the income refuses to work or fails to use earned money to take care of the family.
…and more

Property abuse:

Throwing objects, fist through walls, push furniture over
Destroy or throw away precious personal items if the child does not adhere to strict obedience
Use other’s property without permission
Destroy other’s property and not replace or pay for it
Ignore No Trespassing signs
No boundaries in the family about what belongs to who. Everyone can use anything that belongs to another without permission.

Self Abuse:

Abuse alcohol/drugs, steroids, poor nutrition, etc.
Over-exercising, exertion, stressing, eating, committing, etc.
Toxic worry
Tolerating abuse from others
Casual sex with multiple partners
Trusting strangers too soon
Neglect basic self-care needs
Taking on too much
Ignoring or neglecting physical or mental health concerns
Self-critical, self-blame, constant negative self-talk
Take responsibility for things others actions
Try to control things you have no control over
No rest, play or recreation
All rest, play or recreation
Ignore bills and obligations
Cut skin, starve or hurt self, binge and purge, suicide, etc.
Devaluing your body, intelligence, abilities, value, etc.
…and more.

Harsh, Rigid, Inconsistent rules:

It’s not okay to talk about problems.
Feelings should not be expresses openly—only certain feelings are acceptable
Communication is best if indirect, with one person acting as a messenger between two others (triangulation)
Unrealistic expectations — be strong, good, right, perfect!! Make us proud!!
Don’t ever think of yourself
Do as I say, not as I do
It’s not okay to play, have fun or do things for yourself – life must always be strict discipline & serious
Don’t rock the boat – peace at all cost
If you’re a member of this family you have to do what all other members of this family have always done
Don’t be yourself, don’t think for yourself
Taking care of yourself is selfish
Do what I say, not as I do
You have to be perfect to be of any value – only if you are perfect we will love and accept you
You should be who I think you should be—shoulds and oughts
Punished for rules you didn’t know about
Unreasonable, punitive punishment for the slightest violation of rigid rules
No sense of humor

Vicarious Abuse:

Watching helplessly as others are abused
Long exposure to traumatic material: Example: Allowing children to watch violent, scary or demonic movies/videos
Hearing other’s traumatic stories so often, a person almost feels like it happened to them.
…and more.

Religious/Spiritual Abuse:

Self-righteous, judging others as unworthy—holding self up as the holy example
Exhorting others with should’s and oughts
Using God and religion to control, coerce, push and dominate others
Kill or torture those who don’t comply to a certain religion/cult. Using God’s wrath to instill fear, control, manipulate or brow-beat others into submission: severe punishment for non-compliance
Religious cults: brainwashing, mind control, mental manipulation in the name of god
Forced adoption of a certain religious ideology
Use coercive means to push religion on to others or punish those who don’t
Condemning others as unacceptable before God because they don’t conform to your beliefs
Condemning long hair, ear piercings or the like as bad or ungodlike
Slapping a child because she won’t go to church
Moralizing that it’s wrong to make a lot of money, think for yourself, or choose your own religion
Neglecting vital needs of the family by being overly involved in religious activities.
Pointing out other’s shortcomings in the name of God
Using the moral high road to punish, control, blame or manipulate others
Taught to only let religious leaders do the thinking for you
Bullying, scolding, ganging up on, punishing, finger-pointing if others are not meeting up to religious expectations.
Self-determined moral high road: “I am walking the moral high road and it is my responsibility to set you straight or punish you for noncompliance with my idea of righteousness.” ~unknown
Parents shaming or disowning their child for taking a different religious/spiritual path than their own
Take on God-like role to others
…and more.

Geriatric Abuse

Physical Abuse—inflicting physical pain or injury on a senior, e.g. slapping, bruising, or restraining by physical or chemical means.
Neglect—the failure by those responsible to provide food, shelter, health care, or protection for a vulnerable elder.
Exploitation—the illegal taking, misuse, or concealment of funds, property, or assets of a senior for someone else’s benefit.
Emotional Abuse—inflicting mental pain, anguish, or distress on an elder person through verbal or nonverbal acts, e.g. humiliating, intimidating, or threatening.
Abandonment—desertion of a vulnerable elder by anyone who has assumed the responsibility for care or custody of that person.
Self-neglect—characterized as the failure of a person to perform essential, self-care tasks and that such failure threatens his/her own health or safety.
Discarding elderly people

~ http://www.aoa.gov/AoA_programs/Elder_Rights/EA_Prevention/whatIsEA.aspx

Family Abuse:

Over controlling, perfectionistic, punitive parents with harsh, rigid and compulsive rules
Assigned roles: “You are the smart one, the pretty one, the troublemaker, the scapegoat, etc”
Adults treat children as if they have no rights
Parents demand the suppression of feelings in children
One or both parents are addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, love, drama, etc. Or, a parent who is sober but still a dry alcoholic, which means they are not acting out in the addiction but still have the characteristics of an addict, i.e. not in touch with feelings, abusive, highly critical, controlling, perfectionistic, etc.
Entitlement: Giving in to or doing everything for children with no expectations or contributions from them. Blame others for a child’s bad behavior. Giving in to temper tantrums and manipulation of a child.
Denial that abuse is happening: “Mother never slapped you. You’re remembering that wrong.”
The child can do no wrong
The child controls parents
The child gets away with beating up siblings/children
Serious and burdened atmosphere
Make fun of family members or make them the butt of jokes
Family members are given no privacy, rights or personal boundaries
Parents who have volatile relationships with each other
Physical, sexual or emotional, or any other kind of abuse to a child by adult(s)
Parent asks the children not to tell the other parent about an affair
Parents who demand loyalty to the dysfunctional family only
No one was allowed to talk to outsiders about family problems
No strong feelings or no feelings at all are permitted by family members
Conflicts between family members are ignored or denied. It’s not okay to talk about problems. Don’t rock the boat.
Taught to never take care of yourself—everything goes out to others
Unrealistic expectations—be strong, good, right, perfect, make us proud
Parents only support the child in doing things that benefit the parent
Communication is best if indirect or not at all Example: Triangulation in communication—One person acting as a messenger between two others
Parent’s body is there but not emotionally present
Stifling the true self—It’s not okay to be you, you need to conform to the role the family gives you
Children are raised by the television, video games, neighbors; no positive family interaction
All decisions for the children are made by others—child has no say in anything about his/her life
Children or spouse is treated as slaves or servants or the parents act like they are the slave to their children.
Parents use child(ren) to meet their emotional, security and dependency and happiness needs—parents needs are met at the expense of the child’s needs
Children are expected to know what they don’t know or have never been taught
Discounting or criticizing a child’s feelings, thinking, needs, desires, goals, perceptions, etc.
Denying a child’s reality. “I saw a bright light in the sky.” Parent: “That never happened!”
Denying a child’s feelings. Child: “I hate my teacher.” Parent: “You do not! You’re never supposed to hate anyone!!”
Shutting down a child’s dreams. Child: “I want to be an artist.” Parent: “No you don’t. There’s no value in art.” Or, “What makes you think you’re good enough to be an artist? No one’s going to want to buy your art.”
Parents compare one child to another, “Why can’t you be more like your sister/friend?”
Parents do not give their children enough of their time, attention and direction
No new information can come into the family because of the rigidity of the system and the hierarchal control.” ~James Bradshaw
No talk rule, family secrets – Example: Dad is an alcoholic but the family is not allowed to talk about it. The child is forbidden to talk because of the rules of obedience to the adults.
Unrealistic expectations
Abuse escalates if the family members express their hurt or anger
Children are to be trained like animals—obedience at any price
Parents can’t be without their children—children are required to fill the dependency needs of the parents
Believing that the duty of a good parent is to break the will of the child.
Attempting to keep a child from legitimate suffering that comes from poor choices
Keep a child from being spontaneous and having fun
“Needs are labeled as ‘selfish’” ~Bradshaw
Parents expect children to be perfect
Parents don’t allow children to have experiences outside of the family
Parents make all decisions for their children—children never learn to think for themselves
You are unacceptable unless you do exactly what the family tells you to do
Parents fail to protect younger or weaker children from older or bigger bullies inside or outside of the family
Friends don’t want to visit because of the bad behaviors of the parent(s)
Parents dependent on their children’s success to give them purpose and worth
Children are condemned or punished because they don’t meet the high expectations of their parents.
After the abuse, things go back to normal as if nothing had ever happened. No one is allowed to talk about what happened; nothing is resolved. Everyone pretends as if nothing happened
One parent speaking badly about the other parent to a child
Inconsistent behavior toward a child
The non-abusive parent fails to protect the children from the abusive parent
Poor modeling of closeness
Frequent moves preventing a child from developing close sustained friendships
“…a parent has a relationship with the child that is more important than the relationship (s)he has with the spouse…” ~Pia Melody
Parents not allowing children to become independent adults for fear the children will leave them.
It’s not okay to talk about problems
Feelings should not be expressed openly.
Communication is best if indirect, with one person acting as a messenger between two others (triangulation)
Unrealistic expectations–be strong, go right, perfect, the best. Make us proud.
Don’t ever think of yourself
Do as I say, not as I do
It’s not okay to play or be playful.
Don’t rock the boat or peace at all cost.

…and more

Family Violence Network, Lake Elmo, MN. BREAKING FREE OF THE CO-DEPENDENCY TRAP, Barry K. Weinhold Ph.D. Janae B Weinhold Ph.D. Bradshaw on: The Family, John Bradshaw ©1988,1996
Good reading: For your own good: Hidden Cruelties in Child Rearing By Alice Miller

Rigidity

Strict, regimented or inflexible routines or schedules for daily activities such as meal times, bed/awakening times, bathing/washing, going to the toilet, etc.

Relationship abuse:

Ignored by a partner when in public
In marriage one partner demands you seek permission to do or have anything
In an equal-power relationship, one partner tries to have power over the other
Don’t keep commitments to partner
Lie to partner
Affair behind partner’s back
Yelling, insults, swearing at, name-calling, belittling, berating, putdowns towards partner
Isolating spouse from friends or family
Putting down those spouse love
Accusing partner of having affairs or carrying on devious activities without proof
Doing other things or acting distracted during serious conversations
Spying on partner except on rare occasions
Making family or money decisions without consulting the partner
Withholding affection, sex, money, the truth, etc.
Constant threats to leave the relationship
Telling one’s partner his/her feelings are irrational or crazy
Turning others against one’s partner, especially the children
Blaming the partner for your wrongs
Preventing the partner from going to school, work, visit with family or receiving medical care, etc.
Throwing objects in front of or at the partner—slamming walls, doors, etc.
Destroying or threatening to destroy property belonging to one’s partner
Using or threatening to use physical or sexual aggression against one’s partner
Driving dangerously while partner is in the car as a conscious intention to scare or intimidate
Using the partner’s children to threaten them (e.g., threatening to kidnap)
Threatening to punish or punishing partner’s children, family, friends or pets to get back at the partner
Acting jealous and suspicious of the partner’s friends and social contacts;
Putting down the partner’s friends and/or family
Monitoring the partner’s time and whereabouts
Restricting the partner’s usage of the telephone and/or car; not allowing the partner to leave the home alone
Preventing the partner from working or attending school
Any kind of physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, spiritual (etc.) abuse already mentioned as it would apply in a relationship
Attempting to or actually using a weapon against a partner
Forced or coerced participation in bondage or other sadomasochistic activities
Triangulation: Example: Bringing another person into a relationship such as girlfriend—then girlfriend and wife fight with each other the two-timing man
Compares spouse to another: “I just saw Jack’s wife and she looks amazing. I wish you could look more like her.” Or, “Dave just bought his wife a new car. I’m so embarrassed I have to drive this old car.”
Spying on partner
Threatening partner
Posting your relationship problems on Facebook
Isolating victim(s) from friends, family or any other possible support systems
Rejection experiences that were very painful including deaths, the divorce of self or parents, rejections by friends or romantic partners, parents, etc.
One partner tries to control or punish or control the other by taking away car keys, wallet, cell phone or money

~ https://mainweb-v.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/defining.shtml

1. Pushes for quick involvement. S/he comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this before by anyone.” You get pressured for an exclusive commitment almost immediately

.2. Constant jealousy. Your partner is excessively possessive, calls constantly, or visits unexpectedly.

3. Controlling. S/he interrogates you intensely about who you talked to and where you were, checks mileage on the car, keeps all the money or asks for receipts, and insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. Unrealistic expectations. S/he expects perfection from you and for you to meet their every need.

5. Isolation. S/he tries to cut you off from family and friends, deprives you of a phone or car, or tries to prevent you from holding a job.

6. Blames others for own mistakes. The boss, family, you — it’s always someone else’s fault if anything goes wrong.

7. Make everyone else responsible for their feelings. The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I’m angry.” “I wouldn’t get so pissed off if you wouldn’t…

8. Hypersensitive. He’s easily insulted and will often rant and rave about injustices that are just part of life.

9. He’s cruel to animals and children. He kills or punishes animals brutally. He also may expect children to do things beyond their ability or tease them until they cry.

10. He uses “playful” force during sex. He enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will; he finds the idea of rape exciting. He intimidates, manipulates or forces you to engage in unwanted sex acts.

11. There’s verbal abuse. S/he constantly criticizes you or says cruel things. He degrades, curses and calls you ugly names. He will use vulnerable points about your past or current life against you.

12. There are rigid gender roles in the relationship. He expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

13. S/he has sudden mood swings. He switches from loving to angry in a matter of minutes.

14. S/he has a past of battering. He admits to hitting women in the past, but states that they or the situation brought it on.

15. He threatens violence. He makes statements such as, “I’ll break your neck,” but then dismisses it with “I really didn’t mean it.”

~http://www.yourtango.com/experts/wendy-kay/avoid-abusive-relationship-15-signs-abuser-expert

Covert abuse: (Passive/aggressive)

Digs or slams intended to hurt, covertly buried into a conversation but act innocent
Gossip, procrastination, lying, cut-down humor
Hide hostility towards another person by putting on a false front but fail to be honest
Fail to do tasks for which s/he is responsible
Say one thing and act another
Make commitments or promises but fail to carry through
Silent treatment
Sabotage someone else’s success behind their back
Refuse to give needed or expected support
Failure to tell the total truth
Manipulation and mind games because you can’t be open and upfront
Agree to a plan of action, then do the opposite
Leaving out important information
Mislead or deceptive
Neglect, depriving others of what they need
Irresponsibility or intentional inefficiency
Deny responsibility for the pain inflicted to others
Deflect responsibility to others for their own passive/aggressive behaviors (It’s your fault I’m behaving this way)
Smiling when the intention is to hurt
Seek quiet, non-obvious revenge (keying a car)
Denying spouse sex, affection, decision making in finances
Inconsistency
Won’t confront a person to his face about a specific problem but will complain about it behind his back
Deny a problem exists when the evidence shows otherwise
Forgets or never shows up to important events
Withholding sex in a committed relationship or using sex as a tool to manipulate or control the partner
Stubbornness
Sullenness
Demean
Treat someone as an extension of one’s self
Expect too much
Deliberately waking someone up

“The passive-aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive-aggressive is usually attracted to externally-centered people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other’s bad behaviors.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive-aggressive person is that they fail to follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.

The passive-aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrongdoing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical. This is why divorcing a passive-aggressive can and often does lead to a high conflict situation with long-term negative consequences for all involved.” ~http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm

Perceived as Abuse but it isn’t

Example: Child perceives being abandoned when left with a babysitter, but is safe, has a good time and returns home safely
Because additional sibling(s) is born, the child feels like the parents won’t continue loving him/her
Fair, rational & logical consequences for misbehavior
Child is required to help with work, do homework, be responsible, get along with siblings.
Child required to be accountable after misbehavior

Femicide:

“Women are killed for being women.” ~Meredith Miller

Male Abuse:

“Physically violent women like to provoke men by physically attacking first and then pointing the finger at that man for reacting with physical violence. There are men who have had to learn to spread their arms like they’re being crucified while the women beats on them, to be clear to the aggressor, the cameras and bystanders that he is not the aggressor.” ~Meredith Miller

Governmental Abuse

Government uses its power to control or abuse its citizens
Will not allow it’s citizens to protect themselves
Threatens constitutional liberties
Lies to citizens

Bullying

“…is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others.” ~Wikipedia
Bullying can be done by one person to another or groups of people
Imbalance of power
spreading rumors
Making threats
Attacking someone physically or verbally
Excluding someone from a group on purpose
Clearly demeaning, belittling or condesending to another.
…and more

~http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/index.html

Sexual Harassment
Mistreatment of sexual orientation or culture
Cyber-bullying

~http://www.education.vic.gov.au/about/programs/bullystoppers/Pages/what.aspx

Abuse and Control by Proxy:

The abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbors, the media, teachers… third parties to do his/her bidding.
The abuser controls these unaware people s/he is using exactly how he plans to control his victim
Use other’s to control, convince, harass, threaten, manipulate the target, tempt, convince, harass, to communicate with and manipulate his target.

~https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikouCKUwQ1Y

Cult Abuse:

Brainwashing
Intergenerational cohesions abusing victims into compliance
Break the will so victims will carry out the will of the cult

Ethnic Abuse:

Make fun of, treat differently, limit opportunities or abuse people of a certain ethnicity
Ethnic cleansing

Cyber abuse:

Abuse over the internet or related technology
Cyberbullying
Predators who find their victims on chat rooms or other social media

Organizational or Institutional Abuse:

Failure to respect or support a person or group’s right to independence, dignity or choice
Lack of person-centered care planning or a ritualized care routine
Inappropriate confinement, restraint or restriction
Lack of personal clothing or possessions
Stark living areas, deprived environment or lack of stimulation
Lack of choice in decoration or other aspects of the environment
Lack of choice in food or menus or menu planning
Unnecessary involvement in personal finances by staff or management
Inappropriate use of nursing or medical procedures, e.g. using un-prescribed medication enemas or catheterization
Inappropriate use of power or control
Treat adults like children
Arbitrary decision making by staff group, service or organization
Lack of choice or options with food and drink, dress, possessions, daily and social activities
Lack of privacy, dignity, choice or respect for people as individuals
unsafe or unhygienic environment
Lack of provision for dress, diet or religious observance in accordance with an individual’s belief or cultural background
Keeping people from other people, community or family contact
The needs of people are sacrificed for the sake of a group, service or organization
Slavery
Improper use of authority

Media Abuse:

Fake news
Withholding truth
Telling only one side of the story
Hate speech
Harassment of individuals or groups
Manipulate viewpoints
Take someone’s comments out of context
Lie

Visual Abuse: Abuse that can be seen or is delivered from the eyes

Glaring—hateful looks
Watching abuse happen, especially a child watching parents or adults being abusive to others
Allowing children to watch violent, sexual or scary movies, videos
Keeping a child from seeing
…and more.

Narcissistic Abuse:

Characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, recurrent fantasies of unlimited power and success, and feelings of rage, humiliation and haughty indifference when defeated or criticized.

Narcissists, with total lack of empathy, have a tendency to exploit and use others. They are not only unable to recognize how others feel, but because of self-centeredness, are unable to even recognize that others have feelings.

Even though narcissists seem arrogant, they usually have low self-esteem and have nothing more than superficial relationships. ~Beverly Engel, author of Emotionally Abused Women

Grandiose sense of self-importance
Cravings for admiration and attention
World reflected in their image

~Judeth Orlock

“…while some narcissists can be very unlikeable and obvious egotists, others can be very charming, intelligent and caring until you stop stroking their ego or disagree then at that point they can turn on you.” ~Monika Hoyt, Relationship Coach

In order to be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder you have to have 5 or more of the following qualities:

Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, humiliation or blame
Taking advantage of others to reach own goals
Exaggerating their own importance, achievements and talents
Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence or romance
Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
Becoming jealous easily
Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others
Being obsessed with self
Pursuing mainly selfish goals
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Becoming easily hurt and rejected
Setting goals that are unrealistic
Wanting the best of everything
Appearing unemotional

~Monika Hoyt, Relationship Coach

Styles of narcissism:

Grandiose
Anti-social
Amorous (like a seductive Don Juan) – needs a lot of validation from the opposite sex
Compensatory – offsetting feelings of inferiority
Elitist – …thinks they are better than everyone
Fanatic – …can be very religiously preoccupied or rigid in their thinking
Paranoid

~Monika Hoyt, Relationship Coach

Characteristics of a Narcissist:

Expert liars and master manipulators
Superficially Charming
Inability to feel empathy, remorse, guilt or love
They learn to mimic emotions at an early age, but in reality, feel nothing
A grandiose sense of self-importance, recurrent fantasies of unlimited power and success
Feeling of rage, humiliation and haughty indifference when defeated or criticized.
Tend to use or exploit others
Unable to recognize how they or others feel
superficial relationships

~Demonic Psychology of Narcissism

Gaslighting: Victims are made to question their reality, feel like they are mentally deranged and unstable, while the abuser presents him/herself as the abused. With intentional and malicious gaslighting the abuser tries to control or manipulate people and situations to their own benefit. Gaslighting is used to create doubts in a person’s mind about their own memory, sanity and self-worth. Gaslighters try to control you by gettting you to doubt your own reality. Invalidates, distorts or undermines the victim’s reality and causes them to question their own sanity.

Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulative tactics out there because it works to distort and erode your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself and inevitably disables you from feeling justified in calling out abuse and mistreatment.

Phrases one might hear from a gaslighter:

“That never happened.” (when they know it did)

“Stop being so insecure.”
“You’re just imagining things.”
“You’re just making it up.”
“You’re overthinking this.”
“You’re exaggerating the situation.”
“Stop taking everything so seriously.”
“You can’t take a joke.”
“You’re misunderstanding my intentions.”
“You’re overly jealous.”
“I’m not the problem, you are.”
“You’re so insecure.”
“Stop blaming me, that was never my intention.” (when it was)
“You need help.” (when it’s the abuser that does)
“Just forget it ever happened.”
“You’re remembering it wrong.”
“Stop making such a big deal out of it.”
“You can’t seem to get anything right.”
“If you knew how to listen/were paying attention….”
“You need to learn to communicate better.”
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting.”
“You always jump to the wrong conclusion.”
“You’re reading too much into this.”
“I know your intentions/what you’re thinking.”
“I was only kidding.”
“Why would you think that? What does that say about you?”
“You are the problem.”
“You make these things up in your head.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Don’t you understand anything I say? Are you hearing voices?”
“It’s your fault I cheated.”
“No one else would ever love you.”
“If you’re lucky, I’ll forgive you.”
“This is why no one likes you.”
“You are gaslighting me!” (The abuser accuses his/her victim of being the gaslighter.)
“You always blow things out of proportion.”
“You never remember things correctly.”
“You have an active imagination.”
“That never happened.” (when they know it did)
“I never said that.” (when they know they did)
“You’re being overly sensitive/insecure/emotional/dramatic.”

In order to resist gaslighting, it’s important to ground yourself in your own reality – sometimes writing things down as they happened, telling a friend or reiterating your experience to a support network can help to counteract the gaslighting effect. The power of having a validating community is that it can redirect you from the distorted reality of a malignant person and back to your own inner guidance.

Destroyers seek to destroy others. Some are projecting their own self-hate on others. Others…may be envious or jealous. Still, others act out of anger or hurt from childhood. ~Beverly Engel, author of Emotionally Abused Women

Some deliberately seek out to destroy every person they become intimately involved with, such as by learning the person’s weaknesses and exploiting them or making the partner doubt her (his) desirability. ~Beverly Engel, author of Emotionally Abused Women

The Napoleon

A person who feels he is “less than” others. He tears them down to make himself feel good. ~Beverly Engel, author of Emotionally Abused Women

Often men who are insecure will become involved with women they can ridicule. Some…are threatened by confident and competent people. ~Beverly Engel, author of Emotionally Abused Women

The Blamers

Blamers are never wrong…it is always someone else’s fault. If they were to admit to having done something wrong, they will always rationalize it by trying to convince the victim that the abusive behavior is a reaction to a deficiency or provocation on the victim’s part.” ~Beverly Engel, author of Emotionally Abused Women

Misogynist

“Reflecting or exhibiting hatred, dislike, mistrust, or mistreatment of women.” ~dictionary.com

Psychopath

A person who doesn’t have a conscience, who feels NO remorse when hurting others. ~WebMD

Sociopath

This person has a conscience but is weak and will not stop a behavior even is s/he knows it’s wrong.~WebMD

20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths use to Silence you. By Shahida Arabi

Toxic people such as malignant narcissists, psychopaths and those with antisocial traits engage in maladaptive behaviors in relationships that ultimately exploit, demean and hurt their intimate partners, family members and friends. They use a plethora of diversionary tactics that distort the reality of their victims and deflect responsibility. Although those who are not narcissistic can employ these tactics as well, abusive narcissists use these to an excessive extent in an effort to escape accountability for their actions.

Here are the 20 diversionary tactics toxic people use to silence and degrade you.

1. Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that can be described in different variations of three words: “That didn’t happen,” “You imagined it,” and “Are you crazy?” Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulative tactics out there because it works to distort and erode your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself and inevitably disables you from feeling justified in calling out abuse and mistreatment.

When a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath gaslights you, you may be prone to gaslighting yourself as a way to reconcile the cognitive dissonance that might arise. Two conflicting beliefs battle it out: is this person right or can I trust what I experienced? A manipulative person will convince you that the former is an inevitable truth while the latter is a sign of dysfunction on your end.

In order to resist gaslighting, it’s important to ground yourself in your own reality – sometimes writing things down as they happened, telling a friend or reiterating your experience to a support network can help to counteract the gaslighting effect. The power of having a validating community is that it can redirect you from the distorted reality of a malignant person and back to your own inner guidance.

2. Projection.

One sure sign of toxicity is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his or her own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid being held accountable for them. This is known as projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility for one’s negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability.

While we all engage in projection to some extent, according to Narcissistic Personality clinical expert Dr. Martinez-Lewi, the projections of a narcissist are often psychologically abusive. Rather than acknowledge their own flaws, imperfections and wrongdoings, malignant narcissists and sociopaths opt to dump their own traits on their unsuspecting suspects in a way that is painful and excessively cruel. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, they would prefer that their victims take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed of themselves. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another.

For example, a person who engages in pathological lying may accuse their partner of fibbing; a needy spouse may call their husband “clingy” in an attempt to depict them as the one who is dependent; a rude employee may call their boss ineffective in an effort to escape the truth about their own productivity.

Narcissistic abusers love to play the “blameshifting game.” Objectives of the game: they win, you lose, and you or the world at large is blamed for everything that’s wrong with them. This way, you get to babysit their fragile ego while you’re thrust into a sea of self-doubt. Fun, right?

Solution? Don’t “project” your own sense of compassion or empathy onto a toxic person and don’t own any of the toxic person’s projections either. As manipulation expert and author Dr. George Simon (2010) notes in his book In Sheep’s Clothing, projecting our own conscience and value system onto others has the potential consequence of being met with further exploitation.

Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum usually have no interest in self-insight or change. It’s important to cut ties and end interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so you can get centered in your own reality and validate your own identity. You don’t have to live in someone else’s cesspool of dysfunction.

3. Nonsensical conversations from hell.

If you think you’re going to have a thoughtful discussion with someone who is toxic, be prepared for epic mindfuckery rather than conversational mindfulness.

Malignant narcissists and sociopaths use word salad, circular conversations, ad hominem arguments, projection and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track should you ever disagree with them or challenge them in any way. They do this in order to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for being a human being with actual thoughts and feelings that might differ from their own. In their eyes, you are the problem if you happen to exist.

Spend even ten minutes arguing with a toxic narcissist and you’ll find yourself wondering how the argument even began at all. You simply disagreed with them about their absurd claim that the sky is red and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle choices have come under attack. That is because your disagreement picked at their false belief that they are omnipotent and omniscient, resulting in a narcissistic injury.

Remember: toxic people don’t argue with you, they essentially argue with themselves and you become privy to their long, draining monologues. They thrive off the drama and they live for it. Each and every time you attempt to provide a point that counters their ridiculous assertions, you feed them supply. Don’t feed the narcissists supply – rather, supply yourself with the confirmation that their abusive behavior is the problem, not you. Cut the interaction short as soon as you anticipate it escalating and use your energy on some decadent self-care instead.

4. Blanket statements and generalizations.

Malignant narcissists aren’t always intellectual masterminds – many of them are intellectually lazy. Rather than taking the time to carefully consider a different perspective, they generalize anything and everything you say, making blanket statements that don’t acknowledge the nuances in your argument or take into account the multiple perspectives you’ve paid homage to. Better yet, why not put a label on you that dismisses your perspective altogether?

On a larger scale, generalizations and blanket statements invalidate experiences that don’t fit in the unsupported assumptions, schemas and stereotypes of society; they are also used to maintain the status quo. This form of digression exaggerates one perspective to the point where a social justice issue can become completely obscured. For example, rape accusations against well-liked figures are often met with the reminder that there are false reports of rape that occur. While those do occur, they are rare, and in this case, the actions of one become labeled the behavior of the majority while the specific report itself remains unaddressed.

These everyday microaggressions also happen in toxic relationships. If you bring up to a narcissistic abuser that their behavior is unacceptable for example, they will often make blanket generalizations about your hypersensitivity or make a generalization such as, “You are never satisfied,” or “You’re always too sensitive” rather than addressing the real issues at hand. It’s possible that you are oversensitive at times, but it is also possible that the abuser is also insensitive and cruel the majority of the time.

Hold onto your truth and resist generalizing statements by realizing that they are in fact forms of black and white illogical thinking. Toxic people wielding blanket statements do not represent the full richness of experience – they present the limited on of their singular experience and overinflated sense of self.

5. Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity.

In the hands of a malignant narcissist or sociopath, your differing opinions, legitimate emotions and lived experiences get translated into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.

Narcissists weave tall tales to reframe what you’re actually saying as a way to make your opinions look absurd or heinous. Let’s say you bring up the fact that you’re unhappy with the way a toxic friend is speaking to you. In response, he or she may put words in your mouth, saying, “Oh, so now you’re perfect?” or “So I am a bad person, huh?” when you’ve done nothing but express your feelings. This enables them to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills in you a sense of guilt when you attempt to establish boundaries.

This is also a popular form of diversion and cognitive distortion that is known as “mind reading.” Toxic people often presume they know what you’re thinking and feeling. They chronically jump to conclusions based on their own triggers rather than stepping back to evaluate the situation mindfully. They act accordingly based on their own delusions and fallacies and make no apologies for the harm they cause as a result. Notorious for putting words in your mouth, they depict you as having an intention or outlandish viewpoint you didn’t possess. They accuse you of thinking of them as toxic – even before you’ve gotten the chance to call them out on their behavior – and this also serves as a form of preemptive defense.

Simply stating, “I never said that,” and walking away should the person continue to accuse you of doing or saying something you didn’t can help to set a firm boundary in this type of interaction. So long as the toxic person can blameshift and digress from their own behavior, they have succeeded in convincing you that you should be “shamed” for giving them any sort of realistic feedback.

6. Nitpicking and moving the goalposts.

The difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism is the presence of a personal attack and impossible standards. These so-called “critics” often don’t want to help you improve, they just want to nitpick, pull you down and scapegoat you in any way they can. Abusive narcissists and sociopaths employ a logical fallacy known as “moving the goalposts” in order to ensure that they have every reason to be perpetually dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you’ve provided all the evidence in the world to validate your argument or taken an action to meet their request, they set up another expectation of you or demand more proof.

Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will then start to pick on why you aren’t a multi-millionaire yet. Did you already fulfill their need to be excessively catered to? Now it’s time to prove that you can also remain “independent.” The goalposts will perpetually change and may not even be related to each other; they don’t have any other point besides making you vie for the narcissist’s approval and validation.

By raising the expectations higher and higher each time or switching them completely, highly manipulative and toxic people are able to instill in you a pervasive sense of unworthiness and of never feeling quite “enough.” By pointing out one irrelevant fact or one thing you did wrong and developing a hyper-focus on it, narcissists get to divert from your strengths and pull you into obsessing over any flaws or weaknesses instead. They get you thinking about the next expectation of theirs you’re going to have to meet – until eventually, you’ve bent over backward trying to fulfill their every need – only to realize it didn’t change the horrific way they treated you.

Don’t get sucked into nitpicking and changing goal posts – if someone chooses to rehash an irrelevant point over and over again to the point where they aren’t acknowledging the work you’ve done to validate your point or satisfy them, their motive isn’t to better understand. It’s to further provoke you into feeling as if you have to constantly prove yourself. Validate and approve of yourself. Know that you are enough and you don’t have to be made to feel constantly deficient or unworthy in some way.

7. Changing the subject to evade accountability.

This type of tactic is what I like to call the “What about me?” syndrome. It is a literal digression from the actual topic that works to redirect attention to a different issue altogether. Narcissists don’t want you to be on the topic of holding them accountable for anything, so they will reroute discussions to benefit them. Complaining about their neglectful parenting? They’ll point out a mistake you committed seven years ago. This type of diversion has no limits in terms of time or subject content, and often begins with a sentence like “What about the time when…”

On a macro-level, these diversions work to derail discussions that challenge the status quo. A discussion about gay rights, for example, may be derailed quickly by someone who brings in another social justice issue just to distract people from the main argument.

As Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, notes, specificity is needed in order to resolve and address issues appropriately – that doesn’t mean that the issues that are being brought up don’t matter, it just means that the specific time and place may not be the best context to discuss them.

Don’t be derailed – if someone pulls a switcheroo on you, you can exercise what I call the “broken record” method and continue stating the facts without giving in to their distractions. Redirect their redirection by saying, “That’s not what I am talking about. Let’s stay focused on the real issue.” If they’re not interested, disengage and spend your energy on something more constructive – like not having a debate with someone who has the mental age of a toddler.

8. Covert and overt threats.

Narcissistic abusers and otherwise toxic people feel very threatened when their excessive sense of entitlement, a false sense of superiority and grandiose sense of self are challenged in any way. They are prone to making unreasonable demands on others – while punishing you for not living up to their impossible to reach expectations.

Rather than tackle disagreements or compromises maturely, they set out to divert you from your right to have your own identity and perspective by attempting to instill fear in you about the consequences of disagreeing or complying with their demands. To them, any challenge results in an ultimatum and “do this or I’ll do that” becomes their daily mantra.

If someone’s reaction to you setting boundaries or having a differing opinion from your own is to threaten you into submission, whether it’s a thinly veiled threat or an overt admission of what they plan to do, this is a red flag of someone who has a high degree of entitlement and has no plans of compromising. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist you mean business; document threats and report them whenever possible and legally feasible.

9. Name-calling.

Narcissists preemptively blow anything they perceive as a threat to their superiority out of proportion. In their world, only they can ever be right and anyone who dares to say otherwise creates a narcissistic injury that results in narcissistic rage. As Mark Goulston, M.D. asserts, narcissistic rage does not result from low self-esteem but rather a high sense of entitlement and a false sense of superiority.

The lowest of the low resort to narcissistic rage in the form of name-calling when they can’t think of a better way to manipulate your opinion or micromanage your emotions. Name-calling is a quick and easy way to put you down, degrade you and insult your intelligence, appearance or behavior while invalidating your right to be a separate person with a right to his or her perspective.

Name-calling can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions and insights. A well-researched perspective or informed opinion suddenly becomes “silly” or “idiotic” in the hands of a malignant narcissist or sociopath who feels threatened by it and cannot make a respectful, convincing rebuttal. Rather than target your argument, they target you as a person and seek to undermine your credibility and intelligence in any way they possibly can. It’s important to end any interaction that consists of name-calling and communicate that you won’t tolerate it. Don’t internalize it: realize that they are resorting to name-calling because they are deficient in higher-level methods.

Much of the information from this paper has been extracted from nameless papers with no one to give credit. Compiled by Helen Bair, MAPC

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