Victims (Targets of Abuse)

• Baffling health issues that puzzle doctors and have no explanation
• Want to believe in their abusers even after they have been betrayed
• Not attracted to those who are safe
• You deserve what happened, undeserving of better
• Settle for less than is deserved
• Poor self-image
• No mind of your own
• Depressed, anxious
• Easily taken advantage of
• Give Power to others
• Believe the abuse will stop if they do better
• Blame self for being abused
• Settle for less than is deserved
• Poor self-image
• No mind of their own
• Depressed, anxious
• Easily taken advantage of
• Give power to others
• Disconnected from your body
• Wear masks or play different roles to hide who you really are
• No or scant memories from childhood
• Maturity is frozen at the age of the original abuse
• No (or little) sense of your own reality
• Out of touch with feelings
• React as a victim or offender
• Feel out of control inside
• Rigid—Inflexible
• Overextend themselves, exhausted, feel taken advantage of, depleted
• No mind of their own, allow others to think for them
• Easily manipulated
• Believe they deserve bad things that happened, undeserving of better
• Try to help and fix others but ignore their own needs
• Doubt your judgement and wondered whether or not you are ‘crazy’ as a result of things that were said to you
• Lost confidence in your abilities, become increasingly depressed or felt trapped and powerless.
• Developed fears of other people, tended to see others less often.
• Felt afraid of your partner, parents or others. Found yourself expressing your opinions less and less freely
• Have to ask your partner’s permission to spend money, take classes or socialize with friends.
• Afraid that no matter what you do it will be the wrong thing.
• …and more

The victim bonds to the abuser by thinking s/he can control the abuse by being perfect, pleasing or emulating the abuser. Examples: Always agree, chronically apologize, do whatever is demanded, be an accomplice in abusing others, become indispensable to the abuser and at their beckoning call.

Regarding Abuse: “The will becomes disabled; the person becomes blind to options.” ~Author Unknown

Abusers (The Offenders) The goal of the offender is to reduce the self-worth of others to gain control.

• Grandiose sense of self-importance but internally insecure
• Craves admiration and attention
• The world reflected in their image
• React to criticism (even if it is warranted) with anger, shame, humiliation or blame
• Take advantage of others to reach own goals
• Exaggerate their own importance, achievements and talents
• Imagine unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence or romance
• Require constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
• Becomes jealous easily
• Lacks empathy and disregards the feeling of others
• Is obsessed with self
• Pursues selfish goals
• Trouble keeping healthy relationships
• Becomes easily hurt and rejected
• Sets goals that are unrealistic
• Wants the best of everything
• Appears unemotional
• Needs much validation from the opposite sex
• Compensatory – offsetting feelings of inferiority
• Elitist – thinks they are better than everyone
• Fanatic – can be very religiously preoccupied or rigid in their thinking
• Paranoid
• Expert liars and master manipulators
• Superficially Charming
• Inability to feel remorse, guilt or love
• Learn to mimic emotions at an early age, but in reality, feel nothing
• Never wrong
• Threatened by confident and competent people
• Give to get back
• Attempt to think for and control others
• …and more

Sometimes an abusive pattern will show up opposite of its origins, but it is still abuse. Example: Jack grew up in an ultra-clean, rigid environment. He swung to the opposite dysfunction, living in chaos and filth.

Or others may marry their opposite dysfunction. Example: Over-responsible marries irresponsible.

“ I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It’s the bully who’s insecure.”~Shay Mitchell

“When people don’t like themselves very much, they have to make up for it. The classic bully was actually a victim first.” ~Tom Hiddleston

“If you hit and humiliate a child, the only lesson he will learn is to hit and humiliate.” ~Little Women

What can happen to a person after serious abuse starting at an early age and lasting for years:

Turn to drugs, alcohol or other addictions for relief  

Multiple personalities

Sociopaths

Narcissists

Suicidal tendencies

Disabling depression and anxiety

OCD, Eating disorders

PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) 

High-risk behaviors  

Psychosomatic Health Issues and Body Pain

Trouble forming and maintaining relationships

Repeating the same abusive patterns in their own families

…and more