Victims (Targets of Abuse)
- Baffling health issues that puzzle doctors and have no explanation
- Want to believe in their abusers even after they have been betrayed
- Not attracted to those who are safe
- You deserve what happened, undeserving of better
- Settle for less than is deserved
- Poor self-image
- No mind of your own
- Depressed, anxious
- Easily taken advantage of
- Give Power to others
- Believe the abuse will stop if they do better
- Blame self for being abused
- Settle for less than is deserved
- Poor self-image
- No mind of their own
- Depressed, anxious
- Easily taken advantage of
- Give power to others
- Disconnected from your body
- Wear masks or play different roles to hide who you really are
- No or scant memories from childhood
- Maturity is frozen at the age of the original abuse
- No (or little) sense of your own reality
- Out of touch with feelings
- React as a victim or offender
- Feel out of control inside
- Rigid—Inflexible
- Overextend themselves, exhausted, feel taken advantage of, depleted
- No mind of their own, allow others to think for them
- Easily manipulated
- Believe they deserve bad things that happened, undeserving of better
- Try to help and fix others but ignore their own needs
- Doubt your judgement and wondered whether or not you are ‘crazy’ as a result of things that were said to you
- Lost confidence in your abilities, become increasingly depressed or felt trapped and powerless.
- Developed fears of other people, tended to see others less often.
- Felt afraid of your partner, parents or others. Found yourself expressing your opinions less and less freely
- Have to ask your partner’s permission to spend money, take classes or socialize with friends.
- Afraid that no matter what you do it will be the wrong thing.
- …and more
The victim bonds to the abuser by thinking s/he can control the abuse by being perfect, pleasing or emulating the abuser. Examples: Always agree, chronically apologize, do whatever is demanded, be an accomplice in abusing others, become indispensable to the abuser and at their beckoning call.
Regarding Abuse: “The will becomes disabled; the person becomes blind to options.” ~Author Unknown
Abusers (The Offenders) The goal of the offender is to reduce the self-worth of others to gain control.
- Grandiose sense of self-importance but internally insecure
- Craves admiration and attention
- The world reflected in their image
- React to criticism (even if it is warranted) with anger, shame, humiliation or blame
- Take advantage of others to reach own goals
- Exaggerate their own importance, achievements and talents
- Imagine unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence or romance
- Require constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
- Becomes jealous easily
- Lacks empathy and disregards the feeling of others
- Is obsessed with self
- Pursues selfish goals
- Trouble keeping healthy relationships
- Becomes easily hurt and rejected
- Sets goals that are unrealistic
- Wants the best of everything
- Appears unemotional
- Needs much validation from the opposite sex
- Compensatory – offsetting feelings of inferiority
- Elitist – thinks they are better than everyone
- Fanatic – can be very religiously preoccupied or rigid in their thinking
- Paranoid
- Expert liars and master manipulators
- Superficially Charming
- Inability to feel remorse, guilt or love
- Learn to mimic emotions at an early age, but in reality, feel nothing
- Never wrong
- Threatened by confident and competent people
- Give to get back
- Attempt to think for and control others
- …and more
Sometimes an abusive pattern will show up opposite of its origins, but it is still abuse. Example: Jack grew up in an ultra-clean, rigid environment. He swung to the opposite dysfunction, living in chaos and filth.
Or others may marry their opposite dysfunction. Example: Over-responsible marries irresponsible.
“ I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It’s the bully who’s insecure.”~Shay Mitchell
“When people don’t like themselves very much, they have to make up for it. The classic bully was actually a victim first.” ~Tom Hiddleston
“If you hit and humiliate a child, the only lesson he will learn is to hit and humiliate.” ~Little Women
What can happen to a person after serious abuse starting at an early age and lasting for years:
Turn to drugs, alcohol or other addictions for relief
Multiple personalities
Sociopaths
Narcissists
Suicidal tendencies
Disabling depression and anxiety
OCD, Eating disorders
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
High-risk behaviors
Psychosomatic Health Issues and Body Pain
Trouble forming and maintaining relationships
Repeating the same abusive patterns in their own families
…and more